How to Positively Co-parent after Divorce
Co-parenting is a term used to express the relationship that two individuals, typically a mother and father, have in relation to parenting a child or children after separation or divorce. This relationship is conceptualized separately from the romantic relationship as the parents are no longer living together, yet they maintain a relationship to parent their children.
Unfortunately, after divorce, maintaining a healthy connection so co-parenting is a positive experience can be complicated. Often old hurts and anger toward one another make it difficult for divorced parents to set aside their differences and get along “for the sake of the kids”. A group of researchers at the University of Missouri looked at the issue of divorced parents who cannot get along and asked children about their parents' post divorce relationships. According to these children, being put "in the middle" of their co-parents' disagreements is stressful. Quite often in these situations children feel like they need to take a side and inevitably compromise a relationship with one or both of their parents. Not surprisingly, studies have shown that the distress children experience as a result of their parents’ negative co-parenting relationship leads to decreased school achievement and low self-esteem.
In order to make a co-parenting relationship work, parents must strive to always put the best interests of their children first. A positive co-parenting relationship can reduce the stress children typically associate with divorce as moms and dads maintain balance and quality in the relationships their children have with both of them; they uphold consistent rules across households that affirm stability for their children and they preserve their children’s right to a childhood by not putting them in the middle of their adult disputes.
Here are some tips for making your co-parenting relationship a positive one:
- Develop a co-parenting plan that focuses on rules and limits around certain behaviours and activities (bedtime, having friends over, homework, etc) and keep them consistent across households
- In the co-parenting plan also address discipline measures and agree upon consistent consequences for misbehaviour. When a situation arises that has not been previously discussed take the time to speak about it with your co-parent before reacting to it on your own. If the other parent is available to discuss it in a timely manner, define an appropriate consequence both of you will support. If the other parent is not available and a decision is to be made, connect with that parent as soon as you can afterward to discuss the situation
- Discuss your matters related to your children away from them. Choose a neutral location for your meetings—like a coffee shop or public place–where the rules of good manners apply. Develop and stick to an agenda that focuses on the children–avoid bringing up issues from your past relationship as a couple; if there is a need to do this think about how it will best serve your children—what goal does it accomplish where your children are concerned?
- Children will often try to play one parent against the other. Before making judgements, talk with your ex spouse to clarify and get all of the facts. Be solution oriented – attack the problem, not the other parent
- Both parents should try to attend their children's activities (teacher interviews, sports games, graduation, etc) so children get a sense of a united front when it comes to matters concerning them
Co-parenting after divorce is not an easy task, especially if there are still unresolved feelings between parents. However, the parents are the adults in the divorced situation and they need to continue to model good behaviour and support one another in their parenting journey. Children have little control or say over how the divorce will impact their lives. It’s already stressful enough for children to have to move back and forth between mom’s and dad’s, living out of a duffle bag and having no real sense of where their stuff belongs; never mind having to hear mom and dad insult one another every chance they get or fight every time they’re in the same room together. These burdens are too much for our children to bear. It’s imperative that co-parents vow to maintain their parenting relationship in a way that is in the best interest of their children. To do it any other way is to risk your relationship with your children and damage their overall well-being.
Written by: Dyan Eybergen BA, RN © 2010-07-07